Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZuJIr_uW3M
“Hello, my name’s Terry and I’m a software engineer at Microsoft.”
That’s how we always begin, when we meet new people. We tell them our name and our occupation. Our occupation is so tied to our identity, that when it abruptly changes, by choice or by force, it can deeply and profoundly affect us in ways we cannot foresee until it happens.
“Hello, my name is Terry and I’m a stay-at-home mom.”
The difference between these introductions is massive. Both are rife with assumptions. Software Engineers at Microsoft are probably very intelligent and likely working on some cool, leading-edge top-secret projects. They were top of their classes at whatever universities they came from. They have promising futures. They might be rich, maybe not. Hard to tell. The mystery only adds to the mystique. They have exciting jobs, and their work translates into real products that people all over the world buy and use on a regular basis.
Stay-at-home mom: Sweet that they want to stay home with their kids. Diapers, doctor visits and play dates are the mainstay of this group in the early days. Intelligence is not apparent, and their contribution to the world is zip. Outside the world of kids, they have no identity and are not important. Even when the children are old enough to attend school, the stay-at-home moms find their identity in supportive roles for the kids, as scout leaders, PTA officers, and classroom volunteers. So their value in society is only in relation to their kids. This is evident in schools, where the parent is sometimes referred to or addressed by office staff as “so and so’s Mom” (or “Dad”) as though they are only of value in that role.
The transition from Software Engineer at Microsoft to Stay-at-home Mom had a devastating effect on my ego. Suddenly no one knew that I was smart, or that I liked math an awful lot and had a huge fascination with stuff like infinity, Fibonacci numbers, random numbers and fractals. Fractals are the coolest things! Math puzzles like Euler Squares and Towers of Hanoi were very intriguing to me. Random creation of mazes, and then finding the elegant solutions, rocked my socks. But nobody cared. It was all about diapers and developmental milestones and the great immunization debate. Sleep patterns and Growth charts. I only existed as an extension of my child. I was no longer a separate being, with my own ideas, thoughts, dreams, value. This was very difficult, to say the least. Adding to all this was the knowledge that my kids weren’t particularly interested in whether I was having a nice day, or interested in helping to improve my level of job satisfaction. It’s a really hard job, and it’s especially hard when your kid doesn’t appreciate you (to say the least).
These kinds of shifts in people’s lives don’t get nearly the attention they deserve. People tend to downplay it, or suggest that you brush it off, and be thankful for what you have. As in… “But you’re so fortunate to be able to stay home with your kids!” True, yes, but I gave up a lot in exchange. Not only did I give up my identity as a brilliant cutting-edge Microsoft developer, but I also slipped out of the social circles that had previously surrounded and supported me. As much as people swear their friendship forever, the reality is that we tend to run in herds of similar experiences. Moms become focused on their kids. They begin to hang with other moms, and talk about stuff like sleep and feeding schedules and car seats. Former colleagues don’t understand why going to lunch at the local bar doesn’t work anymore, etc. My entire social scene was changed instantly. It was like being the new kid in school all of a sudden. As an adult, this is quite shocking to the system. Social networks are important, and to be shoved away from one and into another, it’s just hard.
I think that in order to successfully transition from one way of life to another, it’s important to honestly mourn the loss of your previous identity. Accept that it IS a loss. The old “Four Stages of Grief” are important to keep in mind.
And then go on a search - for a new identity that matters to you and gives meaning to your life. This could well be a long, long search and may potentially take years. I’ve looked everywhere, tried many hobbies and interests including scrapbooking, sewing, gardening, model trains, rubber stamping, and all sorts of things. I think I may be on to something now with music. It’s stuck with me for five years and I’m becoming more involved and intrigued all the time, especially now that I found out there are ways you can apply mathematical concepts like set theory, combinatorics, etc. That completely enthralls me and I’m excited by the possibilities. Not only that, but my depth of involvement has become a bridge to my teenage daughter, who, for several years now, has been very much at odds with me. Our rocky relationship has had a lot to do with why I needed to fnd an outside interest, something that would give positive meaning to my life.
So now, it turns out that music is becoming incredibly important as a way to connect with my daughter, to make peace, and for us to finally begin to understand each other. The parenthood journey sent me on another journey where I eventually found music, and now music is quickly becoming the thing that brings joy into not only life in general, but also my life as a mom. Sweet.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
A few years ago Luis and I were at this dinner party- it was all talk about politics, history things like that which was about what you’d expect from a group of people who were Professors and Anthropologists and College people- so of course they start swapping ‘where did you study ‘ stories and when it was my turn I said, Edmonds High school- and I wasn’t exactly at the top of my my class.
” Oh ” says this woman ” you must read a lot- you seem so well educated- I mean, it sounds like you study a lot. ”
and Terry I couldn’t help it I said, ” Yeah-mostly I read romance novels there’s lots of history and stuff in those. ”
But don’t think my ego wasn’t crunched into a million little pieces. That HURT.
As to kids…now that my kids are in their 20’s I’d have to say we get along better now because I get along better with myself- I don’t know maybe the fact they’re all boys has something to do with it.
Comment by anita marie — July 16, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
Hi Terry: Anita Marie sent me here.
I always try to keep in mind that people are defined a lot more than by what they “do.” Sometimes I have to fight it, but reading things like what you’ve written is awesome reminder. You are so right about running in herds with similar experiences.
(PS: I’m so jealous of people who love numbers: I think with a certain kind of approach, I’d be one of them, but not with how it was taught to me! I too soon joined the “girls just aren’t good a math” herd as a kid.)
Keep writing!
Joanne
Comment by Jodhiay — July 16, 2008 @ 6:13 pm
Terry, I could relate so much to your post. It’s a hard slog to hang onto your own identity, and overcome the attitudes of others to your choices. Like you, I explored many crafts and hobbies, which I think was one of the benefits - I would not have been able to do that if I had not stayed at home with my kids. Best of all, they were able to explore with me, and realised that being a mum did not mean giving up your personality or your brain. Our eldest daughter had her family and then continued her education in science. Now her kids know that mums can do anything they want as well, even pursue the secrets of the universe. If we give into others’ expectations of ourselves, we lose that vital creative fire. AM, I love your reply to that stupid woman - I’ve had much the same thing said to me.
Comment by Gail — July 19, 2008 @ 7:16 pm